my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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