When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
