I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
