Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
