I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
