And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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