I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
