I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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