i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
