apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have fence marks all over my body
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
