and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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