relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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