if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hippo gnu deer
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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