You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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