I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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