Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
