ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she looked like the before picture.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
