Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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