You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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