Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
