she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just want nice things and good sex
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
