sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
