pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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