Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
