hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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