you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need to sanitize my soul.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
