I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
thus making me awesome and them whores
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
