I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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