you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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