I will die if light touches me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize