I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
