actually, I'm a sock model
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
