This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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