she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
