My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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