im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
