12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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