My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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