My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
