Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
