Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
A bitchslap is in order.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
