I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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