So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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