I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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