You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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