Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
