Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
