Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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