If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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