sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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