He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
