I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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