That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
