someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?