when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.